You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
