My underwear smells like fireworks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
