totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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