Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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