Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.