He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
