Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
