So drunk its hurt
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
