If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
