My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
