Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Welp...herpes.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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