Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
