Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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