I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
