Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
