i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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