I wish they made helmets for livers.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
