i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Randomize
