I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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