I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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