my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
