I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
