the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
