I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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