you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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