I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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