When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Someone came in the potted fern
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
