He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
