hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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