i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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