if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
