My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
