Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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