Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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