There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
