You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
