Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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