My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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