I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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