haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
