I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
