Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Michael Bay diarrhea
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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