I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
