you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
