I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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