What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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