Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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