hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
