three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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