just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
