Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Apparently you make a good broom.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
