Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
