Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
my liver is dry heaving
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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