All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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