I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
