I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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